


Entertainment Is Hard To Find

by otterdictator



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: AU Fuckery, Canon Twisting, Clean Up Crew, Spitefic, Squick, Stupid implications, Vampires are Monsters, Volturi, i was bored
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-08 08:19:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5490254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otterdictator/pseuds/otterdictator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When do you think he'll get bored of acting like a saint?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vampire Janitors

"It'll happen before the end of the year."

"Are you sure you want to bet on that?"

"Yes, Cullen is losing it."

"So soon? He held out for seven centuries last time." 

"Well, according to Marcus, his current flock is too tempting to withstand for much longer."

"I guess I can understand that? I mean, the mouth-breathing chick did smell pretty tasty."

"Don't remind me about that girl."

"What? You don't like her and her obsession with being 'special'?"

"Please stop."

"Fine, fine." 

"..."

"...wait, we are going to have to clean up after Cullen aren't we?"

"Yes."

"Sonofabitch."

"Apt."

"When is Aro going to send us out then? I'm going to guess that it will be soon."

"Within the week, he wants us to observe the situation."

"Are we going to have to write reports?"

"Extremely detailed reports."

"We are going to be writing gore porn based on Cullen's slaughter. Again."

"Crude but technically correct."

"I would ask why he keeps letting that cannibalistic _thing_ run around and play house, but I don't think I actually want to know why."

"We both know why Aro allows it."

"He could just lurk on the weird parts of the internet if he needs entertainment that badly."

"He said that the internet wasn't 'interesting enough' for his taste." 

"Of course he did."


	2. Practical Uses for Powers

"Hey, did you see what Aro ordered?"

"No. What is it?"

"Full set of high-powered sniper rifles. Guess he is serious about taking out Cullen's flock."

"Cullen hasn't culled them yet?"

"Nope, I won the bet with Rosen by the way." 

"Of course you did."

"Anyway, I'm excited. We might even be able to do something for once."

"You mean besides cleaning up?"

"Yes, besides using our actually useful powers cleaning up after other vampires."

"I happen to enjoy dissolving the biological remains of deceased creatures."

"You also happen to be a creepy, acid puking sonofabitch."

"Says the vampire best known for gleefully dicing bodies into perfect 1-inch cubes."

"I'm a telekinetic, what else am I supposed to do?"

"Not be so obviously pleased by the mutilation of the dead?"

"That is boring."

"This is why Aro never takes you anywhere."


	3. Your Future Sight Does Not Work On Dark Types

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How I Wish Breaking Dawn Had Ended

"That is your future-"

Alice Cullen's head drops to the snowy ground and lands with an ungraceful thunk. The precog's body follows moments later, limbs sprawling in the snow at Aro's boots. 

"Thank you my dear, I was becoming so very tired of her prattle." Aro smiles indulgently, apparently speaking to no one in particular. A casual wave of the Volturi leader's hand has two guards hauling away Alice's head and body for later reformation. 

A few seconds of shocked silence pass before an electronically distorted voice answers. _"You are welcome."_

"Carlisle you do remember the Praetorian Guard don't you? It has been a while since any of them have been seen in public, though darling Jane and Alec have always remained by my side." Blood-red eyes study the stunned Cullens, glimmering with gentle humor all the while. "After your son's little display in Volterra I thought it would be prudent to tell all of the Guards to return to their posts."

"Now, in the spirit of old friendship, I will offer you one last chance my dear Carlisle." 

Aro's smile is anything but friendly. 

"Kill the halfbreed and the wolves or die."


End file.
